Forget You Not
by blndbmbshell
Summary: The first time it was painful because she knew Elliot was never going to come back to her. It was painful now because she realized Elliot was never going to go away. In the beginning, its not so EO, but by the end, it will be, bear with me!
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer:_ Could they be...NOT. MINE? Well, except for Jamie. He is the beautiful creation of Jess and I.

_Author's notes: _This took a lot of time and effort on the parts of a lot of people, so I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. It's slightly AU, because its never going to happen. And all of you E/O fiends out there, bear with me, it gets better, I promise.

Jess- Truly could NOT have done this without you, I hope you know that. You've helped me so much, not just with this story, but with life in general. And thanks for the grammar review on dialogue and capitilization and such; I'll never forget it, haha. I love you so much mon petite schnitzel! Shangrl-la.

Gem- All of your witty remarks and encouraging words have helped me get to the point of posting, and I thank you so much! I love you!

Mary- Thank you so much for your support and everything you've done, I love you! PS: _"You're Amazing"_

Em- Thanks for the last minute title and grammar help. It was much needed and definetely appreciated! Muuahhh!

This story is for Laura, who I promised I would write something for a long time ago, but never got around to it. I've finally gotten around to it, Laura, so here it is! Thank you for all you do, my love!

**Chapter 1 **

"Olivia?"

She heard the voice and knew exactly who it was. She heard the smile and the sex oozing out with his words and she felt the hairs on her neck stand up. Damn him. Five years could make a person forget a whole hell of a lot, but she would never forget his voice or the overwhelming effect it had on her. The way he spoke her name was something that was forever seared in her mind, and she had spent the better part of a half a decade trying to chase it out of her head. She had almost succeeded up until a few seconds ago.

She now had a couple of choices. She could pretend that the loud sounds of the traffic and the people milling about around her had somehow muffled her hearing and continue on about her business without so much as acknowledging him. Or she could take the plunge, and turn around, and face him for the first time in shortly over five years. It was such a hard decision to make in such a short amount of time.

Option number one might work, except knowing him, he'd immediately notice the way her back straightened and her pace slowed the moment she heard her name falling from his lips.

Option number two could work too, because she desperately wanted nothing more than to turn around and pretend like the last five-plus years hadn't happened, and the months leading up to his departure were magically gone and everything was OK again.

Back when she was just his partner. When they didn't have drunken heart to hearts that led to the ultimate demise of what was already their already decaying friendship. When her existence in the world wasn't everything she wanted it to be, but it was enough. When life was good.

Those thoughts alone made her turn around without a second's hesitation and face the man who broke her into a million pieces all those years ago. A small part of her had always hung on to what they had, or yet, what they didn't have. An even smaller part of her thought that she might just be able to forget everything that happened, and focus on what used to be before everything went so drastically wrong, rather than what more than likely is now.

"Elliot." His name came out as the barest hint of a dry whisper and she knew he didn't hear her, but he was staring dead at her, so she knew he could read her lips. The same smile and sex that dripped from his words was now a look plastered on his face. He made no move to hug her, or even speak; though she could tell he wanted to do all of the above. He just stood there, looking intently at her. Watching her, watch him. People pushed their way past them as they stood halting the sidewalk traffic on the crowded New York street.

It started to become too much. His intense glare; she felt like he was touching her and it repulsed her and made warm heat pool between her legs, all at the same time. All of the reasons she hated him started to flood her mind and she began to second- guess her motives for turning around and facing him in the first place. She had to get out of there, and she needed to do it fast.

"I, uh. Well, I. It's really good to see you Elliot, but I'm late meeting a friend. I'd love to stay and chat, but um, well, you know where to find me." She stuttered.

That was such a lie. First of all, she had no friend she had to meet. Secondly, he had no clue where to find her. She didn't work at the 16th precinct anymore, and she had long since moved out of her old apartment. She wasn't kidding herself. She knew if he really wanted to find her, he would, but she was hoping to God that this was just a chance meeting, and nothing more. She hoped that he hated her as much as she hated him.

"Olivia! Wait!" He shouted.

She heard him call after her and it only made her walk faster. She walked until she felt as though she would pass out if she didn't sit down. Finding a bench, she sat down blindly and took a deep breath. As she exhaled, somewhat of a choked sob rose from within her. She felt like an idiot, sitting on a bench, crying like a child, but she had nowhere else to go. She couldn't go home without arousing suspicion in her nearly hysterical state, and just like it always had been, she had no close girlfriends to run to when things got tough. She looked down at her left hand and ran her fingers along the diamond ring on her fourth finger.

She was living a lie.

---------------------------------------

"Hey honey, how was your day off?" Jamie's excited voice came from the kitchen.

Olivia walked into the brownstone that she shared with her fiancée of two years. He was in the kitchen, making dinner, and though all hell had broken loose in her heart and soul over the past couple of hours, she couldn't help but smile. It was rare she was home at the same time as he, and even more so uncommon, and somewhat scary, for him to be cooking.

"What on earth are you doing?" She found it in her somewhere to laugh at the sight in front of her. The kitchen was torn apart from one end to the other and there was food all over the place.

"I'm making you dinner." He smiled meekly. He looked like a little boy who just attempted to make his parents breakfast in bed—and failed miserably.

"Oh that's so sweet," she said as she reached up and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. She turned to walk out of the kitchen and he pulled her back to him, attacking her face with kisses. "What's the occasion?" Olivia smiled as his hand trailed down and pushed the hem of her shirt up to lightly skim the warm skin there.

"Well, for starters, I have an amazingly gorgeous and sexy fiancée who I love more than anything. And we're also both home at the same time, for the rest of the night; the whole night. That doesn't happen very often," he said, moving wet kisses down the column of her throat. "And I thought we should take advantage of it."

"Hmmm, that sounds wonderful." She sighed in contentment. "I'm going to go jump in the shower while you finish doing whatever it is you're doing in here." She grinned.

"What? You're not gonna wait for me?" Jamie pouted playfully. "I'm cooking you dinner, the least you could do is let me shower with you and that beautiful body of yours." He said, grabbing her butt playfully.

"Later." She said with a small smile as she pulled away from him and headed towards the bedroom. Any other night she would have loved the idea of being able to have dinner with Jamie, showering with him, and spending the entire night in bed; but any other night wouldn't have been a night she was still reeling after a run-in with Elliot. Tonight; however; was that night and she wanted nothing more than to stand in the shower for as long as she possibly could and wash the feelings of his intense stare and visual touches off of her body.

She started to shed her clothes as she walked into the bathroom. She fixed the knobs and waited for the water to become steaming hot before she stepped under the spray. She let out a shaky sigh as she began to almost vigorously scrub at her body, as if there were something physically there that she needed to wash off. In her mind, it was Elliot that was covering her body and she needed to get him off of her.

As much as she tried not to think about it, she couldn't stop. It was like an ailment she couldn't cure. She had finally gotten to the point in her life where she had accepted the fact that he was gone, and there was nothing to do with herself but move on. But even after being engaged to Jamie, it was still hard for her. At least once a day Elliot would creep slowly back into her mind and drive her crazy; and that was on a good day.

She kept up a good façade and Jamie was none the wiser, though she hated herself because of it. He didn't know that although she loved him, she wished that it were Elliot lying next to her every night. He didn't know that sometimes, after a particularly bad day, she would let him make love to her and she would close her eyes and make believe it was Elliot all over her body, deep inside of her, making her dizzy with pleasure. From time to time, she even had to literally bite her tongue to prevent Elliot's name from slipping out of her mouth instead of his. Having sex with Jamie was like having a threesome because somehow, Elliot was always there.

It made her hate herself even more when she really thought about how five years had passed and she still felt like this. She couldn't shake him. As much as she wanted to, she just couldn't make herself forget him. Though she wanted nothing more than to be able to have experienced making love to Elliot, she never got the chance. Whatever new type of relationship they had stepped into all those years ago was over before it even started.

**5 years ago**

"Elliot, your drunk ass can hardly walk, let alone make it back to Queens alive. You're so crashing on my couch tonight, my friend," Olivia laughed as they staggered out of the bar. "You know, you have some weight on me and I'm almost as drunk as you are; if you go down, I'm going down with you and when we get back up, I will attempt to kick your ass. Look alive, Stabler," she said, patting him hard on back, hoping to perk him up a bit.

"I'm too drunk to argue, or even think of a comeback. C'mon. Let's go to your apartment," Elliot said, slinging his arm around Olivia's shoulders and trying to put his weight on her.

"What the hell did I just tell you? Do you want to end up on the sidewalk in the middle of January? You're on your own, buddy." She said, pushing away from him. She laughed when he nearly fell over, but was saved by a parking meter that he held on to for dear life.

"Get a cab Liv, and quick. The world is spinning right now and it's not a good feeling." He said, resting his cheek on the top of the meter.

"Who knew you were such a pussy when it came to drinking. The guys are gonna love to hear about this on Monday."

"Tell them and I'll kill you with my own two hands." He mumbled.

"Bite me. Its not as if you're going to remember any of this tomorrow anyways." She smiled and hailed a taxi.

They made it back to Olivia's apartment, although it was quite some work to get Elliot out of the cab and upstairs. She had never seen him so drunk before. She knew the recent separation from Kathy had a lot to do with his pissy mood and his need to drink, but the Elliot that was practically crawling into her apartment, was not the Elliot she had come to know and love over the past eight years. She felt bad and she wished there was something, anything she could do to make him feel better, but she knew spending time with him and offering a listening ear was about all she could do. As amusing as it was to watch him in his inebriated state, he was starting to get on her nerves. She wanted to go out and have a good time and try and loosen him up a bit, not nurse some poor, depressed drunk. He was definitely a buzz-kill.

"Uh, Liv, I think I'm gonna puke." Elliot moaned as he clutched the wall, trying to make his way to the bathroom.

"You puke anywhere in my house that isn't a toilet, I'm going to be the one doing the killing. Come on, you jackass." She said, grabbing him and quickly getting him to bathroom. She helped him get down on the floor and shook her head as he clutched the toilet and began to puke; she was still mildly amused at the entire situation.

As he prayed to the porcelain gods, she grabbed a washcloth out of the cabinet and ran it under cold water. Kneeling down next to him, she placed the wet rag on the back of his neck, and rubbed his back. If there was one thing she never expected to be doing, it was taking care of Elliot as he was puking his guts out in her bathroom. But she knew if the situation were reversed, he would have done the same for her.

"Ughhhh, I feel like shit." Elliot groaned as he sat up and leaned back against the bathtub. Olivia got up and wet the cloth again and handed it to him.

"I can't even begin to imagine why." She said sarcastically. It was awkwardly silent, both of them trying to ignore the conversation they know they needed to have.

"Are you mad at me, Liv?" He asked timidly, sounding like a little boy.

"Mad? No. Irritated, well, maybe just a little. I mean really, Elliot. You've been a jerk to me for months, you finally tell me what's bothering you and when I try to help you and you thank me by drinking yourself into a stupor and getting sick all over my bathroom. If you would just talk to me instead of drinking yourself to death, I might just be able to help you. But I can't unless you let me." She sighed, sitting down next to him on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Olivia, I really am. I just have so many feelings running through me, and I'm so confused and I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, and I can't promise that I won't continue to push you away, but it means a hell of a lot to me that you're here and not going anywhere." Elliot said, putting his arm around her and pulling her close.

"I can only be pushed so far Elliot. Keep pushing, and I just might not be here anymore," she said seriously, "But of all the times I wish you'd push me away, now is one of them," she laughed lightly, "You stink! Take a shower, brush your teeth, do something because you reek." She got up off the floor and threw a bath towel at him. "Do you want something to drink? Beer? Tequila?" She shot him a clever smirk.

"Oh God, I don't think I'll ever drink again. But thanks for making me want to puke some more." Elliot said, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Anytime, partner, anytime." She laughed as she closed the bathroom door.

**5 years later**

Olivia stepped out of the shower, wrapping a terrycloth robe around her wet body. She grabbed a towel off the rack and began to squeeze some of the excess water out of her hair. Just then, the door opened and Jamie stepped in with a smile on his face.

"What?" Olivia asked, slightly jumpy after all the reminiscing she did while she was in the shower.

"Nothing, I just came in here to check on you and make sure you didn't die. You've been in the shower for almost forty-five minutes."

"Oh, sorry, I guess it just felt good."

"No need to apologize, my love. You deserve the relaxation. But dinner's almost ready, so why don't you get dressed and by the time you're done, dinner should be as well."

"Thank you, I'll be out in a few minutes." Olivia said, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

She quickly got dressed and left the bedroom only to find the dim living space illuminated entirely by candlelight with soft strings of music floating in the background. It was so beautiful; she felt her breath catch in her throat and the tears spring to her eyes. In all the time she'd been with Jamie, she couldn't remember him doing anything like this before: something so romantic and sweet. It was almost as if he knew she needed something to take her mind off of Elliot. It made her love Jamie even more, which in turn, made the constant ache in her heart grow. She didn't know how she was going to make him leave her mind, but she'd be damned if she was going to let Elliot Stabler ruin her night.

"You like?" Jamie asked, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. She leaned into his embrace and held his arms tightly.

"I love. Thank you so much," she whispered. "No one's ever done something like this for me before. Thank you." She felt the tears filling her eyes quickly and she shut them in an attempt to keep them at bay, but all it did was force the moisture to spill on to her cheeks.

"You don't ever have to thank me," he said quietly in her ear, "Its my pleasure to do this for you and I only wish I had the time to do it more often. I love you, Olivia." He said, kissing the sensitive spot right below her ear.

"Hey, hey, what's the matter?" Jamie asked, turning her around to face her when he heard her sniffle in attempt to keep her composure.

"I don't know, I really don't. I just—I love you so much." She cried as she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

"Shhh, I know Olivia, I know. I love you too." He held her and they rocked gently back and forth in each other's arms. He didn't question her any further; he just held her and let her cry. He was perfect in that sense. She always knew she could talk to him, but when she didn't want to, or really didn't know what to say, he was content with simply holding her and reassuring her of his love. The one thing in her life she never doubted was how much this man loved her.

She and Jamie had met through mutual friends about four years earlier and Olivia wouldn't deny that there was a lot of initial attraction between them. He was handsome, funny, kind, and understood her job at the time. Everything she had ever looked for in a man and there he was, but she didn't want him. She wanted Elliot, and no one else. But Elliot was gone, and there was no chance of him coming back, so she had to try and get on with her life.

Jamie was a neurosurgeon in Los Angeles before he moved to New York and to become the Chief of the Neurosurgery department at Mt. Sinai. He was only in town for the weekend when they had gone out the first time. Olivia had a good time, did the whole "call me when you're in town again" song and dance, knowing she had no intention of seeing him again. At that point, she was quite content throwing herself into her work and wallowing in her misery all by herself in her free time. Jamie called her several times before she literally forced herself to pick up the phone and talk to him. He told her that he was in New York for good and would really like to see her because he thought she was a wonderful woman and had such a great time the last time they went out. She was a sucker for charm, and couldn't say no to him.

They went out when Olivia's schedule allowed and she found herself growing attached to him. She was sure it wasn't for the right reasons, but it felt good to have a man in her life again; a man that wasn't going to hurt her or leave her. They fell into a routine and she spent most nights with him at his house. After much persuading on his part, Olivia moved in with Jamie, seeing as she spent more time at his place than her own. Weeks and months turned into years and before she knew it, they were well on their way to becoming Dr. and Mrs. James Delfino.

He had proposed to her in a way that every woman dreamed of. They were on vacation in St. Thomas and one night when walking on the beach at sunset, he grabbed her hand, slipped a ring on it, slid down to his knee and asked her to be his wife. For that moment, she could almost convince herself that she was truly happy. She had fooled herself into believing for so long, that this is what she wanted, that it just felt like saying 'yes' was the logical thing to do. After all, somewhere deep down, she really did love him.

It was a typical love story, really. Girl meets boy. Girl uses boy to forget the asshole. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl has no choice but to love boy since he loves her so much. Girl and boy get engaged. Girl becomes more lost than she ever was before. Girl hates herself. And the rest they say is history.

She wasn't lying when she told Jamie she loved him, but she wasn't telling the whole truth, either. She loved him, not the way a woman should love the man she's about to marry, but she did love him. She prayed everyday, though to whom, she didn't quite know, that she would be able to forget Elliot and move on and make a life with Jamie. She had been praying that for every single day for the last three years, and so far, it hadn't worked. She was beginning to wonder if there was a reason for that. Maybe things with Elliot didn't work out for a reason, and maybe things with Jamie weren't working out for a reason. Maybe seeing Elliot today was more than a coincidence. Maybe it was a sign.

"Dammit!" Olivia sobbed, cursing the thoughts inside of her head.

"What's the matter?" Jamie asked, pulling her back so he could look her in the eyes.

"You were trying to put on a romantic evening for the two of us and here I am, blubbering all over you. I'm sorry." She lied quickly. She didn't know how else to explain her sudden outburst.

"Olivia, its okay. If you need to cry, cry. You know I'll hold you as long as you need me to." He said pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead.

Olivia looked up and stared into his eyes. God, she hated herself for what she was about to do, but she needed Jamie inside of her to make Elliot get the hell out. She reached up and ran her fingers across his stubbly chin.

"Make love to me." She whispered.

"But dinner…" Jamie trailed off.

"We can heat it up in a little while, I need you. I need you so much Jamie, it hurts."

"You know I could never deny you." He said as he leaned down and placed a gentle, loving kiss to her lips. Olivia snaked her hands around to cup the back of his neck, pulling him further into her mouth. He wrapped one arm tightly around her waist, pulling their lower bodies in direct contact with one another. The other hand, he tangled in her hair, deepening their kiss. She swallowed his moan and she began to slowly rock her pelvis into his straining erection. She slid a hand between them and deftly unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, slipping her hand inside to cup the long length of him.

"I need you now." She moaned into his mouth as she started to walk him backwards towards the bedroom that they shared. By the time they got there, Olivia had both of their shirts and Jamie's pants off. She was fumbling with her pants when Jamie pushed her back on the bed gently.

"There's no need to rush, Olivia, we have all night." He said as he bent down and traced the outline of her bra-covered breasts with the tip of his tongue. She shivered underneath him as his hand trailed down and pushed inside of her pants.

"Jamie, please?" She cried out as his fingers stroked her slowly. "I need you inside of me."

"Olivia, what ever it is, I'm going to make it go away," he breathed against her lips, "Just let me love you, please?"

Olivia nodded as he began to kiss his way slowly down her body. Hooking his fingers inside of her pants, he pulled them down, along with her panties, in one swift movement. He hovered between her legs and she looked at him pleadingly. Teasing her, he moved back up and drew her body up into a sitting position and reached behind her to unhook her bra. He threw the bra to the side of the bed and ran his hands across her nipples, watching them with avid fascination as they beaded even more under his touch.

"God, you are the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Touch me." She said, her voice low and full of desire.

"Where?" He challenged.

She knew that he was trying to draw this out. It wasn't often they had nights to themselves to take as much time as they wanted to make love. They were either not home at the same time, too exhausted, or only had time to catch a quickie here and there to take the edge off during a hard week. She wanted to take it slow and cherish the time they had too, but more than anything right now, she wanted it hard and fast. She needed Jamie there to drive out every thought and feeling she had about Elliot. She needed him to be Elliot more than anything, but since that notion had a snowball's chance in hell of ever happening, she had to take what she had in front of her.

And she hated herself again.

The sob rose from within her before she even had a chance to choke it back down. Instead of asking her what was wrong, Jamie did the only thing she needed at the moment and that was love her.

He stood up and removed his boxers before he pushed her back so she was lying down again. He covered her body with his and kissed the tears that were trickling out of the corner of her eyes. He moved to her mouth and kissed her deeply and passionately before moving his loving kisses down her neck to her breasts. He stopped and looked up at her. Her eyes were barely open, and she had sunk her teeth into her bottom lip in anticipation of his next move. He kept his eyes trained on hers as his tongue darted out and quickly swirled around her nipple before sucking it into his mouth. She grasped the back of his head and closed her eyes, letting out a quiet moan. He shifted slightly and repeated his ministrations on the other breast. She arched her body up towards his.

"Please?" She whimpered as she felt his erection between her legs.

Without waiting for an answer from him, she reached down and grabbed him and guided him inside of her. She wrapped her legs tightly and securely around him before thrusting up to meet his downward movements. They moaned simultaneously as they began to move against one another. Jamie placed his forearms on either side of Olivia's head and looked into her eyes. She saw the undying love and dedication in his eyes and she didn't even want to know what he saw in hers, so she promptly closed them.

It wasn't enough. She needed more, and she needed it fast. Elliot was once again creeping back into her mind and she was biting her tongue again to make sure his name didn't find its way out of her mouth. She and Jamie's bed was big enough for two people, but not for three and she needed Elliot out of there.

"Fuck me, Jamie. Now." She pleaded with him through gritted teeth.

Although it probably wasn't exactly what he wanted, Jamie complied because after all, he would do anything for her, be anything she needed, and yet she still couldn't force herself to give her entire heart to him.

"I love you, Olivia." He whispered, tracing the shell of her ear with his tongue and then moving to her mouth. The tears began to fall more as he lifted her leg higher and pushed harder inside of her.

"Mmmm, Oh God, so close." She wept into his mouth.

When he reached down and swiped his thumb over her center, she fell over the edge and came hard and fast with Jamie right behind her. She struggled to keep her mouth shut because there was an earsplitting sob threatening to escape from somewhere deep within her. She hurt; all over, but it was mostly her heart. Making love to her fiancée had never been this painful for her aside from the first time with him. The first time it was painful because she knew Elliot was never going to come back to her. It was painful now because she realized Elliot was never going to go away.

Jamie rolled off of her and pulled her into his arms, kissing the back of her neck. Her tears still fell, mostly because she couldn't stop them, but also because she hated herself for what she was doing to Jamie. They laid there in silence for a while; his body spooning hers. He traced patterns on her hip lazily with his hand and allowed her to cry.

"Olivia, I don't know what's wrong, and I'm not asking you to tell me if you don't want to, but just tell me what I can do to make it go away. I'll do anything for you, anything; you know that right?"

"Yes, I know that Jamie. I don't know what's wrong really, and I don't know what I need," she lied, "But you will be the first one to know when I figure it out ok?"

"Ok, you sure?" He sighed.

"I'm sure. I love you." She said and turned so that she could kiss him softly.

"I love you too, baby. You hungry? You want me to go heat up dinner and bring it in here?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'm kind of hungry after that." She found it in her to smile at him through her shiny eyes and red face.

She watched him get out of bed and put on his boxers and a t-shirt. She pulled the tangled sheets of the bed she never had time to make over her body and reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV. She wasn't really interested in anything TV had to offer, but losing herself in the characters and ridiculous plot of some mindless sitcom might momentarily take her mind of the war that was waging in her heart. Her brow furrowed and she muted the TV when she heard the doorbell ring. It wasn't often they had unannounced visitors.

"You want me to get it?" She called out to Jamie, who was probably out in the living room, blowing out candles and cleaning up the remnants of what was supposed to be their romantic evening alone. He shouted back to her to stay put and that he would get it, so she un-muted the TV and continued to try and forget her pain.

"Hey Olivia, some guy is here to see you. He said he used to be your partner at SVU." Jamie said as he walked back into their bedroom a few minutes later.

Elliot.

Her blood, that was still running hot from their lovemaking, ran ice cold. That son of a bitch actually looked for her. This was not happening. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Then she felt as though she might be sick. She's not totally convinced that if it were within reach, she wouldn't have picked up her gun and ate it. That physical pain couldn't begin to compare to the pain that was slicing her heart in two. In that moment, she just wanted to curl up and die because her being dead was the one and only way out of dealing with Elliot Stabler.

True love was definitely the joy that killed.


	2. Chapter 2

i Disclaimer: /i Sad to say, folks, but they're still not mine (

i Author notes: /i Sorry it took me so long, guys. Hopefully the next one wont take forever! Thanks to all my lovely ladies who so graciously helped me out with this! You know who you are!

** b OOC alert /b ** Elliot and Olivia and their emotions might seem a little out of character, but hey, I'm living vicariously through them, and well, that's why. Please don't let that deter you from liking this story.

b Chapter 2 /b 

Olivia couldn't very well ask Jamie to make Elliot go away without making him suspicious. He had no idea of their history, other than he was her partner for eight years and he quit SVU and moved to Philadelphia five years ago. She also didn't think she could go out there and face Elliot without making some sort of scene that would again make Jamie suspicious. It was a lose/lose situation.

"Jamie, could you, um, tell him that I'll just be a few minutes?" She asked, trying to keep her emotions in check.

"I actually just got a page from the hospital, I gotta go in, but I'll tell him on my way out," Jamie said as he pulled on his pants and went to the closet for another shirt. After buttoning up his shirt, he walked over to the bed and leaned over to kiss her. "I love you and I'll call you in a little while to tell you when I'm going to be home."

"Ok, love you too," she said quietly as he walked out.

Well, at least when she went for Elliot's jugular, Jamie wouldn't be here to witness it.

She had such fucked up feelings. One second, she wanted to tear Elliot apart, limb from limb, and the next, she wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, making love with him the way she just did with Jamie. She took a deep breath and let out a shaky sigh. She couldn't sit here for much longer without Elliot coming and nosing around looking for her, and since Jamie wasn't there any longer, she didn't put it past him.

She reluctantly got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. She wet a washcloth and ran it over her body that was still somewhat flush from her love making with Jamie; she was careful to remove the fluids and smell of sex that clung to her body. It was the best she could do without showering again. Going back into her room, she reached for her clothes and put them on slowly, trying to prolong the time until she had to go out there and see him. She checked herself in the mirror, running her fingers through her dark auburn locks before opening the door and stepping out into the hallway. From where she was, she could see Elliot looking around at the framed pictures that overran her living room. She unhurriedly padded into the living room and just stood there, watching him. His back was to her, and because of the plush carpeting, he didn't hear her enter the room.

She cleared her throat.

He turned around.

Her heart broke.

"So was that a joke? The whole 'You know where to find me' thing? Because if it was, I didn't find it the least bit humorous." He was pissed. He was pissed that she lied to him and had sent him on what she could only imagine was a wild goose chase to find her. Although she didn't think that finding her would've been all that hard for him. All he would have had to do was pay a visit to Cragen. It was whether or not he cared enough to want to find her in the first place. And apparently, he did-- and she hated him for it.

"Fuck you, Elliot!" She jumped right in for the kill because if she didn't, she would throw herself in his arms and make promises to him she just couldn't keep anymore.

"He seems like a nice guy," Elliot said with his tone softened a little.

Olivia didn't say anything. What was she supposed to say? 'Oh yeah, he's the salt of the earth and loves me more than anything but I'm too fucking caught up in you and what we didn't have five years ago to reciprocate those feelings'? Instead, she just asked him the question she'd been dying to know the answer to since she saw him earlier that day.

"Elliot, why are you here?" He started to walk closer to her and the panic started to rise in her throat like bile.

"You look good, Liv."

Oh God, the nickname she had seldom heard since he left. No one called her that anymore. Jamie didn't. Her new co-workers didn't. She considered that nickname a symbol of her old life, the one she tried so hard on a daily basis to forget, and if anyone else were to ever call her that, she would only hear Elliot's voice and it would break her. She had replayed the track of him saying it in her mind thousands of times over the years, but it was nothing to hearing it come out of his mouth, here, standing in front of her.

"Elliot," she warned

"I'm here because I needed to see you. I needed to know how you were doing. I just wanted to talk--"

Olivia cut him off, mid-sentence, "Well, you've seen me and I'm doing just fine. I think you should leave now."

"Why are you being like this?" Elliot asked, looking her squarely in her eyes. She looked down at the floor and took a deep breath, trying to gather some strength from somewhere inside of her. She came up empty handed. She took a chance. There was no way with him being here like this that she could possibly keep anything even resembling a tight reign on her emotions. She glanced up at him as a tear found its way down her cheek. She was hurt; she was more hurt than she thought she'd ever been, but her anger outweighed that at the moment, and she was doing everything in her power not to reach over and throttle the living hell out of him.

"What did you think I was going to be like, Elliot? Did you think you were going to come back and I was going to profess my undying love to you? What did you expect?" She nearly shouted. When he said nothing, she continued. "I did that once with you and I got burned. Even if Jamie wasn't in the picture, which thank God he is, I would be damned if I did that to myself again. You broke me, Elliot. You broke me into so many pieces, that five years later, I still haven't put myself back together and I hate you so much for doing that to me! I fucking hate you!" She screamed, the tears gushing out of her eyes. She turned her back to him, trying to regain her composure. She hadn't meant for any of that to come out. If there was one thing she didn't want to do, it was let Elliot see how much of an effect he had on her.

Elliot stood there, dumbfounded. Coming to see her, he really didn't know what to expect, but he honestly didn't expect this. He wanted so badly to hold her, to make everything all right again, but he knew she would never give him the time of day. That didn't stop him. If there was one thing Elliot Stabler never backed down from, it was a challenge.

"Olivia," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Get out," she said through her tears, shrugging his hand off of her.

"Please, Liv, just let me—."

"NO!" She turned around and yelled. "Get the hell out of my house, NOW." She was seething and in that moment, she wanted him dead.

"No," Elliot stated, calmly and simply. Olivia stared, her eyes shooting daggers at him. If looks could kill, Elliot would be long gone.

"No? No? What kind of games are you trying to play, Elliot? You didn't get your rocks off enough five years ago when you broke my heart, so you come back to do it again? What the fuck is your motive? Please tell me, and tell me soon, or so help me I will throw you out on your ass my damn self. And don't think I can't, or won't do it."

"Liv, if you really wanted me out, I would have been gone already. I know you. You want me here. As much as you're saying that you don't want me here and you want me to leave, you want me to stay. You want to know the answers to all the questions you've asked yourself over the years as to what the hell happened to us."

She took a deep breath and struggled to collect herself. She had tried to show him what he did to her, and apparently, he didn't care. She decided to put her claws away and try a more peaceful way of going about it. After all, it couldn't hurt.

"Oh, don't be so sure of yourself. Bottom line is you knew how I felt and you pretty much convinced me you felt the same way and then I surrendered myself, and my heart to you, Elliot. I never did that for anyone, and I did it for you, and what did you do? You left me. You threw everything back in my face like it meant nothing and you just picked up and fucking left. That's what you did to me, and I know that much and it's enough. I don't need to hear your half assed excuses as to why you did it. I don't know why you're here now and I don't have any great need to know. So please, just get out. Now," Olivia said quietly, walking to the door and opening it.

"You've always been great at bluffing, Olivia," Elliot said with a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Now she really wanted to kill him. What the hell did he find so amusing about this? He followed her to the door, but made no move to leave.

"What part of 'get out' don't you understand?" She asked, her voice raising one octave higher from the calm, cool demeanor she was trying so hard to pull off.

"I left you once, Liv and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I'll be damned if I do it again," he stated, "But if you really want me to go, I will. I don't want to hurt you anymore, Olivia. I really don't. Despite what you may think, leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and if I could go back and change the way things happened, I would; in a heartbeat," he said, looking pleadingly into her eyes so she would know he meant every word of what he was saying.

"Look Olivia, I know I was an asshole and I know what I did and the way I did it was so wrong, but my heart was and still is in a million pieces just like yours. I didn't walk away from you all put together and unscathed. I was beyond hurt too, I still am. I know it was my fault, but that doesn't mean it didn't kill me to do it. It doesn't mean that I haven't hated myself every single day since I left because of what I did to you, to us." He stood in the doorway, staring at her and waiting for her to say something.

Olivia wiped the tears away that were silently streaming down her face with the back of her hand. She couldn't believe everything he just said. For the better part of the five years he was gone, she had tried to convince herself that what they had before he left was nothing more than a rebound for him and he really hadn't meant everything like he had once said. It hurt ten times more to know he felt the same way and now there was nothing they could do about it. He was about three years too late; she and Jamie had built a life together and she couldn't let herself fuck it up by letting Elliot back into her heart.

When she said nothing, he turned to walk out and before he even had one foot out of the door, he felt her hand on his shoulder. He turned around slowly to face her, not quite sure if he was going to get more silent tears, or another tongue-lashing. He braced himself for the worst, and starting to defend himself, "Liv, I'm—"

She responded by placing a finger over his lips, "Elliot, I've loved you for so long that I don't even know when it is that I started to realize that my feelings had crossed the line from those you feel for a partner, and those you feel for a lover. I don't know what it is that made me succumb to you and your confession of love, but I did, and all these years later, I still don't know whether or not that was a mistake to do in the first place. I don't know a lot. My whole thought process and feelings are so fucked up because of you that I'm not sure of any damn thing anymore." She took a deep breath and began pacing back and forth, wringing her hands together nervously. She wasn't sure that she was ready to continue with what her heart was telling her to say, but she really had nothing more to lose.

"El, as confusing as this is, what I b do /b know is every single thing in my life has changed, I've changed, but the only constant is the way I feel about you. I love you with my whole heart and I always have and it hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes, I can hardly breathe. And you being here, like this, now, is just like twisting the stake you drove through my heart."

"I'm so sorry, I just—" Elliot began.

"Please, Elliot, just leave. This is too much for me."

"You're doing it again, Liv," he said, the small, sad smile yet again tugging at his lips.

"What the hell are you talking about?" She asked incredulously. He was pissing her off with that little smile that kept appearing on his face. She still didn't find one damn thing funny about any of this.

"I'm talking about you bluffing. You scream at me and tell me to leave, then you continue on with another rant. You tell me to leave, I'm on my way out the door, and you stop me, rant some more, and then tell me to leave again. You're fucking with my head and it needs to stop. Now. So just tell me, what do you really want, Olivia? Could you please cut the bullshit and just tell me what you want from me?" He was getting pissed now. She was playing the victim in all of this, and although she really was, he was just as hurt as she was, and she refused to see that.

Noting her silence, he continued, "I really thought I could forget about you. I thought I could put my family back together and make things work, but I couldn't. I missed you, Liv. I missed you every single minute of every day that I was gone. Not a day went by that I didn't wonder what you were doing, how you were doing, if you thought about me. And I hated myself for it. I was supposed to be a born-again father and husband; new city, new job, a second chance at a new life with my family and I couldn't stop thinking about you. You're all I wanted. You're still all I want. And now, I come back and I cant have you, and that hurts. It's my fault, I know, but it hurts. It hurts so fucking much, and I know you know how I feel, but I just want you to realize that you're not the only one hurting here. I don't know how many different ways I can say it to make you see that. I love you, Olivia Benson; more than I've ever loved a woman in my life and seeing you kills me just as much as it kills you. So please, don't act like you're alone in all of this. Don't act like I don't have every right to be here right now, trying to get back what we used to have. I fucked up, I left, and I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm so goddamned sorry, Liv and I don't know what else to do or say to make you understand that."

Olivia was stunned to see the tears in his eyes. They had yet to fall, but they were still there. She had convinced herself over the years that she really didn't mean all that much to him. After all, if he could pick up and leave her after all the things he told her and promised her, she must not have been that high on the totem of Elliot Stabler's priorities. She mostly told herself that so she would feel better, and she had almost succeeded, but deep down, she knew it was bullshit and the speech he just gave reaffirmed that.

"Elliot, I…I don't know what to say," she sniffled, trying to stay calm.

"Don't say anything. Come here." He said, taking a step towards her and opening his arms. She hesitated and he took another step. A few mere inches separated their bodies and Olivia wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms, but she knew she would never recover if she gave in.

"I can't do this Elliot, please," she pleaded as she took a step back, her eyes still trained on his. She was weakening by the second and she couldn't be held accountable for her actions if she was in Elliot's arms again. He took another step forward; she another step back. It wasn't until he had her with her back against the wall that she knew there was no stopping the inevitable. There they were again, bodies an inch apart at best. Elliot reached down and placed his hands on her hips, pulling her body flush with his; their eyes never leaving each other. A soft, involuntary moan passed through Olivia's lips and she silently cursed herself. He pushed her into the wall gently, their bodies melded together as if they were one. They i were /i one and they always had been, which is probably why this hurt so much. She had waited so long to be with him like this. Screw everything she'd ever learned, she didn't care anymore. This felt so right.

After five years, she finally let go and gave in.

Sliding her arms up around his neck, she clung to him like a drowning child to a life preserver. She buried her face into his shoulder and bawled. She cried for everything they had, everything they'd lost, and everything they would never be, because despite how perfect this felt, nothing could ever come of it. She had another life now and she couldn't throw all of that away to chance happiness with Elliot. But if this moment was all she was ever going to have from him, then by God, she was going to take advantage of it.

Between her racking sobs and the tight grip Elliot had on her body, she was finding it hard to breathe. She tried to extract herself from the embrace, but he just held her tighter.

"Not yet, Liv," he mumbled into her hair.

"I can't breathe, El," she choked out. He loosened his grip, but he wouldn't let her go. He pulled back slightly, and cupped her face with his hand, rubbing away the track of tears that ran down her cheek.

"I can't let you go again, Olivia. I won't."

"You have to, I'm not yours anymore," she cried, "I never was," she said more quietly.

"You've always been mine, and you always will be, no matter what happens," he whispered as his lips descended on hers. She had her lips pursed tightly to keep the strangled cries from escaping, making it difficult for him to kiss her.

"Elliot—" She said. He took advantage of her parted lips and slid his tongue inside of her mouth. She remained motionless. When she still wouldn't relax, he moved his kisses down the column of her throat, nipping and sucking and then moving his way back up. She let out a pitiful whimper as he sucked her earlobe into his mouth.

"He'll never love you like I do," he whispered, his breath hot and moist, as he traced the shell of her ear with his tongue. She slumped against the wall, her body trembling with fear, excitement, and need.

In the end, the best defense was always a good offense, "And he'll never hurt me like you did," she retorted with a hint of bitterness in her voice, "Please, El, we can't do this. Just stop."

"I can't. I need you, Olivia. And you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't need me too," he pushed into her harder, reaching around to cup her bottom and grind his pelvis into hers.

"And I'd be fooling myself if I thought that it wouldn't kill me if we did this," she moaned as his fingers found their way under her sweatshirt, skimming lightly over her hardened nipples. As much as she wanted to say no, as much as she hated what she was doing, she couldn't stop herself. She didn't want to stop herself. She had dreamed of this for so long and it was finally happening. Fuck everyone and everything. She was finally about to make love to the man that she had loved, heart and soul for the entire thirteen years she'd known him. Nothing was going to stop her; not even her conscience, which at the moment was screaming at her to get the hell out of there and run like there's no tomorrow.

"It's going to kill both of us, but we'll die together. Always together," he mumbled as he kissed her deeply and intensely. This time, there was no tension or resistance on her part. She gave as good as she was getting from him, and Goddamnit if it wasn't the most incredible thing she'd ever felt. Elliot reached down and hitched her thigh around his hip, opening her up to him. She thrust into him, wanting more than anything to feel him inside of her, giving her all of himself.

Realizing she'd taken leave of all of her senses, she snapped back to reality for a moment, "El, we can't do this here, we gotta go somewhere else," she panted. Odds are, if they couldn't do it there, they shouldn't have been doing it at all, but she was too far-gone to care at that point.

"I can't wait," Elliot moaned as he slipped his hands into her pants, forgoing any teasing and immediately pushing two fingers into her wetness, "I want to make you come," he said as he captured her lips in a bruising kiss. When he swiped his thumb over her center, her knees buckled and she began to slide down the wall, the feeling of his hands on her making her lightheaded. Removing his hands from her pants momentarily, he followed her down fluidly and helped her move so she could lie down. He settled himself between her legs and nearly lost it when Olivia tightly locked her legs around his waist, as if to wordlessly tell him she didn't want him anywhere but right where he was. Despite her reservations, she wanted this just as much as he did.

They laid there in silence for a few moments, speaking only through each other's eyes and breathing only through each other's expelled breaths; millions of things being silently communicated in the short span of time. Olivia moved her hand to his face, lightly rubbing the five o'clock shadow that was present there. Her other hand moved around to cup the back of his neck and drag his lips the few centimeters to touch hers. The kiss was slow, and sweet and loving; giving and taking leisurely as if they had all the time in the world. Elliot pulled back from her suddenly, leaving her a little confused as he withdrew himself from the snug hold Olivia's legs had on his waist. Before she could question him, he had the hem of her sweatshirt and was tugging it upwards, trying to get it off. She got the hint and raised her arms so he could get it over her head. When she tried to sit, he put a hand up to stop her. She sighed and reluctantly lay back down, nervous and excited to see what his next move would be. He then placed himself at her feet, and removed her socks, and hurriedly tugged her pants down as the need to see her completely naked over came him. He threw her pants to the side and swallowed a groan as he took in Olivia Benson in her most simple, pure state.

"God, you are so fucking gorgeous," he mumbled as he stripped himself of his shirt before lying down next to her. He leaned down and took one of her hardened nipples into his mouth, nibbling and sucking on it as his left hand pinched and rubbed the other. His right hand snuck down between her legs and began stroking her again and she bit down on her lip, trying not to cry out, but as he continued the erotic assault on her body, she just couldn't help it.

"Oh God, Elliot!" His name escaped her lips in a whiny whimper as she held his head to her chest. He stroked her slowly and she put her hand on top of his, making him move faster. She was on the brink and let out a disappointed cry when he pulled his hand from her and began kissing his way down her stomach. When he reached her patch of curls, he looked up at her, as if asking for approval. She shook her head no. It suddenly dawned on her that he would be putting his mouth where Jamie's dick had been just over an hour ago, and it didn't sit well with her. Then again, Elliot would be putting his dick where Jamie's dick had been just over an hour ago, but somehow that didn't seem as bad. She felt like a cheap whore. She tried to shake those thoughts out of her head because regardless of how disgusting she felt, she wanted nothing more than to experience the feeling of Elliot inside of her, but the gravity of the entire situation was hitting her hard, and the tears were again forming.

She couldn't do this. Jamie could walk in at any second to find his naked fiancée just inside the doorway of their home with a half naked man on top of her. She couldn't do that to him and she shouldn't be doing this to herself. She sat up abruptly and grabbed her sweatshirt from the floor next to her, struggling to quickly put it on.

"What's wrong?" he asked her.

"We can't. Not like this, not here," she cried, standing up and putting her pants on. "Not ever," she finished.

"No, Liv, please don't do this to me. I need you. I'll do whatever you want. We can go back to my place. Just please, don't do this to me." He sounded pathetic and he knew it, but he needed her like he needed his next breath.

"I'm sorry, Elliot. I can't do this." She was lying, she i could /i do it, but her guilty conscience was getting the best of her at the moment and making her think twice about her decision.

"Why? What changed?" He asked, reaching for her. She batted away his hand and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. Elliot followed and stood in the doorway, watching her. She twisted off the cap and chugged it down as if it were some type of magical potion that was going to help her continue to say no to him. God, she wished it were because she needed all the help she could get at the moment. Telling Elliot 'No' was like telling a three year old they couldn't have dessert before dinner. He was as stubborn as they come and he wasn't going to let up.

"Nothing's changed, Elliot. That's the problem. I can't do this to myself again and I can't do this to Jamie," she told him, the tears falling yet again.

"He'll—"

"—Never love me like you do, I know," she said mockingly.

"He won't, Liv, and you know that. And you know you'll never love him the way he deserves to be loved, either. The way you love me. You may have his ring on your finger, but you have my heart and my soul, and you always will."

Way to hit below the belt. That statement rang oh, so true, but that didn't mean she could fuck another man in their apartment and it didn't mean she could drop Jamie like a bad habit just because Elliot was back in her life.

"I'm so sorry, I just…I can't. Please, just go."

"Olivia, don't. Please?"

"I mean it Elliot. Get. Out. Now," she said through clenched teeth and tears.

He looked at her one last time, a look of hurt and anger that she wouldn't soon forget, turned around, and grabbed his shirt off the floor, putting it back on before walking out the front door. Before walking out completely, he stopped and turned around. Her heart was in her throat. She couldn't fight him off anymore. There's no telling what was going to happen if he marched back into the kitchen and refused to leave. To her surprise, and dismay, all he did was scribble something on a piece of paper, set it on the small table near the door, and walk out. As soon as she heard the door click, she let out a scream and threw her water bottle across the kitchen, water splashing everywhere before it finally hit the wall with a thud. She hurried over to the table and picked up the piece of paper. On it, in a familiar scrawl read, 'If you change your mind,' with his phone number underneath. He had left her his phone number. She sank down to the floor in a heap of confusion, regret and pain. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she sobbed. She cried until she was literally out of tears. She sat there for a minute, collecting herself and she realized that if she stayed at home, she would continue this until Jamie got home, or until she passed out from sheer exhaustion, neither of which she wanted to do.

A drink. That's what she needed. She didn't feel like going out but they only had wine in the house and she needed something a hell of a lot stronger than that. She contemplated calling Casey, who had oddly enough, become one of her closer friends, but she didn't want to tell Casey about Elliot, and she really wanted to wallow in her sorrows alone.

Realizing she probably looked like death warmed over from all of the crying, she decided a quick shower was in order to make her look at least presentable. She knew her skin would more than likely object to another shower, but she felt dirty, and she looked like shit. Getting up off the floor, she headed back into her bedroom, but not before giving the spot on the living room floor she and Elliot had just recently occupied a second glance.

Having a bit of a déjà vu moment, Olivia fixed the temperature of the water and stepped under the hot spray, just as she had done a few hours earlier. She began to wash herself again, except this time she was trying to rid the actual physical evidence of Elliot, the kisses, the touches, from her body so that she wouldn't feel so grimy. She took a deep breath felt another sob rising in her throat and she choked it down because if she started up again, she wouldn't stop anytime soon.

She quickly finished her shower and stepped out, drying herself off. She brushed her teeth and gave her nude form a long look in the mirror. She often wondered what a cheater looked like. Now she knew. She didn't have sex with Elliot, but she had crossed the line of devotion to Jamie. The intent was definitely there, and some say that's all that needs to be present to make you a cheater. She was a cheater.

After she threw on some semi-decent looking clothes, applied a quick layer of makeup and finger combed her hair, she was walking out the door, cradling her cell phone between her shoulder and her ear as she securely fastened her badge and glock to her waist. She wasn't technically on duty, but she hated leaving the house without them, especially when she was alone. She had called Jamie to let him know that she was going out for drinks with Casey. She felt like a teenager; lying about her whereabouts, but Jamie wouldn't like the fact that she was going out by herself. Besides, after everything that happened tonight, what was one more lie?

Arriving at Clancy's in just under thirty minutes, Olivia parked her car and stepped out into the chilly March evening and began her walk to the semi-quiet, not too rowdy cop bar. Walking in, she was relieved when a wave of heat hit her cold body. She exchanged a few quick 'hellos' with fellow detectives as she made her way up to the bar.

A shot of golden tequila greeted her before she even had a chance to get comfortable in her seat. She looked up and met the familiar face of the twenty-something bartender she'd come to know quite well after many late night visits with the guys from her squad.

"You look like you need it," Dave chuckled, taking in her fatigued appearance.

"I look that good, huh?" Olivia smirked.

"Nah, you look gorgeous as usual; just a little rough around the edges. Bad day?"

"I guess you could say that," she sighed heavily. "Just needed a drink to calm myself down a little."

"Hard case?"

"No, it's my day off. Just some personal stuff."

Dave watched her eyes drop to the shot in front of her. Without words, he offered her a twist of lime and a saltshaker. "Go ahead, it's on the house."

She smiled lightly as she licked her wrist, shook the salt onto her skin and licked it off. Next, she tipped the small glass to her lips, throwing the wretched tasting liquid down her throat and then quickly popped the rind of lime into her mouth, sucking the juices from it. She did her best not to gag. She never was one to like her liquor straight. She looked up and found Dave staring dead at her.

"What?" She questioned, wondering why his heavy gaze wouldn't leave her face.

"That has to be the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life." He sighed, shaking his head.

Olivia let out a playful laugh. "You obviously don't get out much, honey. We need to get you a girlfriend, or at least get you laid." She laughed some more, feeling genuinely OK for the first time that day.

"You offering?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"In your dreams." She snorted.

"You know, sweet cheeks, if you weren't engaged, I would sweep your beautiful ass off them feet before you could even know what hit ya."

"Such a romantic." Olivia smiled, rolling her eyes.

"What can I say? I can be quite the charmer when I want. Here," he said pouring another shot and placing it in front of her, complete with another lime, "have another."

"I shouldn't. I drove here." She protested, knowing full well she wanted that second shot.

"Oh come on, live a little, will ya?"

"Well, if you insist," she sighed mockingly; flashing him a cheeky grin and beginning the shot process over again. This time, she shuddered as the liquor slid down her throat, "You just wanted to see me do it again, pervert."

"Hey, you caught me," Dave smiled, holding his hands up, "Whatdya gonna do, Detective? Arrest me?"

"Careful or I just might," Olivia joked. The lightness of their flirtatious banter felt good. Neither one of them was actually serious, and it made her feel like she still had it, that a kid almost half her age would find her attractive enough to flirt with.

She continued flirting shamelessly with Dave and one more shot of tequila and two beers later, she was swimming in her drunken state of mind, feeling a lot better than she had in a long time. She hated to admit it, but she somewhat understood her mother's need to drink. It made everything-- pain, worry, fear, just slowly float away, all the while filling the body with a warm, numbing sensation that was hard to find any place else. It was quite a wonderful feeling, she decided.

It dawned on her that she hadn't thought about Elliot one time since she arrived to drink her pain away. Well, there goes that theory, since she just thought about not thinking about him, but that didn't count. Although she was feeling good, she couldn't help but let her mind drift back to her apartment and to what she and Elliot almost did. And she couldn't help but want to finish it out. Being drunk definitely made her horny. No. Being drunk definitely made her horny for i him /i . She sighed deeply as she polished off the rest of her beer, motioning for Dave to bring her some water. As she sipped gingerly at her water, wishing it was something stronger, but knowing her limits, she drifted back to the night that started everything between she and Elliot. At least she had one good memory to cling to.

b Five years earlier /b 

Olivia busied herself, doing the dishes and cleaning up her apartment a little bit while Elliot got himself together in the shower. She made up the couch for him to sleep on and went into the kitchen. Grabbing a beer out of the fridge, she sat down heavily at the kitchen table, taking a long pull from the beer. She was losing her buzz and she didn't want to. She rested her head against the wall and sighed. She didn't know what to do anymore. Whatever it was between her and Elliot confused the hell out of her and she didn't know how to feel anymore. She knew the line between partners and possibly something more had been blurry for a while, even before the separation; the flirting, the spending a lot of time together outside of work, the late night conversations. But when the separation from Kathy hit Elliot like a ton of bricks, things changed. Their friendship and partnership went down the tubes and it hurt. Elliot was her best friend and she had feelings for him that were inappropriate at best, and him closing himself off killed her.

She didn't know how things were going to play out, but she was willing to give him a little more time to come around before she totally gave up. Draining the rest of her beer, she tossed the bottle in the trash and went to check on Elliot.

Instead of finding him in the bathroom, as she expected, he was sprawled out in her bed, wearing only his boxers. She held onto the doorframe feeling a little weak in the knees from the sight before her. God, he was beautiful. And she wanted him. More than ever before, she wanted him.

"You gonna stand there all night?" Elliot mumbled from the bed.

"I—I didn't know you were awake. Your eyes were closed."

"They were, but I'm a detective. I always know when someone has walked into a room, regardless of how quiet they are, especially if it's you. I always know when it's you," he finished quietly.

"Elliot?" She asked, questioning the meaning behind his words.

"C'mere," he said, pushing himself up into a sitting position on the bed and holding his hand out to her.

She couldn't move. Did he realize what he was asking her? To get into bed—her bed, with him practically naked, both of them having had too much to drink, them being partners, him going through a separation? Was he crazy?

"I don't think that's such a good idea, El," she sighed, nervously running her hands over her face, leaning against the doorjamb that's only purpose at the moment was to hold her up so she didn't collapse from shock. She knew there were mutual feelings between them to some degree, but she always figured hers far outweighed his, seeing as he was married and everything. And now he was asking her to get into bed with him. What the hell was she supposed to say to that?

"El, no. You're drunk, I've had too much to drink—it's just not… no. If you want to stay in here, I'll sleep on the couch, but I'm not getting into bed with you." She was scared shitless and she knew that he could sense that.

"Liv, please? We can talk. About anything you want. Honesty at all costs. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"You're drunk, no," Olivia stated, getting frustrated because her ability to say no was weakening by the second.

"I puked up everything in my stomach, I might still have some alcohol in my system, but I'm not drunk anymore."

"Whatever, I'm still not getting into bed with you."

"What are you afraid of, Olivia?"

"Ruining us," she said quietly and simply.

"And what if this could help us?"

"Such a man, Stabler. You think hopping into bed is going to fix whatever the hell it is that's wrong with us?"

"Maybe we could spend some time and figure out what exactly i is /i wrong with us."

"We don't have to be in a bed to try and figure out what's wrong. We could take this out into the living room and quite possibly get the same results."

"We could, but—" Elliot started.

"But what?"

"I just. I want. Ohhh, I don't know," he said, scrubbing his hands over his face.

"What? Just spit it out!"

"I just wanna hold you, Liv," he said quietly.

"I'm sorry. Come again?" She was bewildered by his comment and she really didn't know how to take it. Truth or drunken statement?"

"I said I want to hold you."

"Where the hell is this coming from, Elliot?" She stared at him, eyes squinting to read his face in the dark.

"My heart," he whispered uncertainly. "Will you please, just come here?" He asked once more.

She slowly and hesitantly started to move towards him. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her back to him. When he reached out and softly touched her back, shivers ran down her spine and resulted in an involuntary shudder. He sat up behind her and moved so she was then sitting between his legs. She felt his hard chest up against her back and his erection pressing into her bottom and nearly passed out. She wanted nothing more than to lean into his arms when he wrapped them around her tightly, but she couldn't command herself to do so. It was all so unreal. She was convinced that she would wake up any second, pissed off that it was a dream and glad it wasn't real, all at the same time.

"I've wanted to hold you like this for such a long time, Olivia. You have no idea," he sighed into her ear.

When she felt his hot breath in her ear, she sagged against him, falling back into his embrace. She wasn't going to lie and say that she hadn't want him to hold her like this—and so much more, for a long time, but they couldn't do this. Together like this was something they just could never be.

"Elliot, we just can't. It's wrong for so many reasons, on so many levels," she said shrugging out of his arms.

"But you want to, don't you?" He challenged. She stood before him, arms crossed, eyes to the floor, gnawing on her lower lip nervously. She was on the defense and was prepared to spew some bullshit and he knew it. "Don't lie to me, Olivia."

"Yes," she whispered, barely audible, "But, we can't." She fidgeted with the ring on her right finger and still had yet to meet his eyes.

"Give me one reason why not," he said sullenly, "and I'll leave you alone."

"I could probably give you ten right now, but I don't need to because you know all of them. And you should be thinking about them as well. This cannot happen, El. It doesn't matter how much either one of us wants it; it just can't happen. We are partners. You haven't even been separated for two months. Most importantly, we're partners. No, this just is not going to work. Not now, not—" Before she even had a chance to brace herself, Elliot stood up, hauled her body to his, and swooped down, capturing her lips in a hot, bruising kiss. Holy hell. If this is how good he kissed when she wasn't contributing one hundred percent, she couldn't begin to imagine how hot it would be if she were an active participant.

"El—" She began to protest, but this only gave him the opportunity to thrust his tongue further into her mouth to play with hers. He wasn't giving up and probably didn't plan on it, so she gave in. Oh, what the hell? She'd deal with the consequences later.

With one hand on the back of his head, and the other grabbing his ass, she pulled him even closer, causing the kiss to become even deeper. She moaned into his mouth as he slid his hand up her shirt to tease her nipples. He moved backwards slowly, falling on to the bed gently, bringing Olivia with him.

"God, you're hot," Elliot mumbled, moving the kisses to run his hot tongue down her throat. Suddenly, the need to feel his hot skin against hers hit her and she sat up, tearing her shirt off and quickly throwing it to the side of the bed. Elliot reached his head up and captured her nipple in his mouth, sucking on it hard through the material of her bra.

"Elliot." She moaned as he kissed his way back to her mouth and took her lips in a slower, deeper kiss than the previous one. They kissed for a while, hands roaming each other's bodies and just enjoying being together finally.

Breaking the kiss, she pulled on him so that he was sitting up, chest to chest with her as she straddled him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, resting her forehead against his and looked him in his eyes as she began to move back and forth over his erection leisurely; a small, mischievous smile playing on her lips. Elliot joined in, meeting each of her downward movements with an upward movement of his own. The combination of her jeans and Elliot rubbing against her center and the thrill of what they were doing brought her closer and closer to an orgasm with each thrust.

"Oh God, El," she whined as she felt her release building low her in belly, "I'm gonna come."

"Come for me." He groaned, nipping at her lips, eagerly anticipating his own release to quickly follow hers. He grabbed her hips, holding them firmly as he pushed into her a little harder.

"Yes… Oh God. Elliot!" She shrieked, raking her nails across his bare back as she came. She continued thrusting; making sure Elliot was with her.

"Ohhh shit, oh Liv," He grunted as he came just seconds after she did. He leaned forward and kissed her sweetly. "That was fucking hot."

"Hmmm, yeah it was," Olivia sighed lazily as she rested her head on his shoulder, "Not that I can make the comparison with you, but that was better than actual sex I've had in the past."

"I'll second that. A lot less work and it still produces the same, or even better desired results. But yeah, don't make that comparison too prematurely. You ain't seen nothin' yet lady," he chuckled.

"Down boy," she laughed as she disengaged herself from their embrace and began to get up.

"Hey, hey, where you going?" He asked, laying down in the bed and pulling her so she was laying next to him.

"We gotta stop," Olivia sighed, reluctantly rolling away from Elliot towards the edge of the bed, "I need to change my clothes, and you should probably do some cleaning up as well," she smirked.

"Nah too tired to move. And damn. It was just getting good," he smiled and pouted playfully.

"God, was it ever; but whatever this is between us," she said, motioning between their bodies, "I don't want to fuck it up."

"And how would i this /i fuck it up?" He laughed, placing her hand on his erection that was already growing again. She let her hand linger there for a few moments, and then gave it a gentle squeeze before pulling away. She sat up and tucked her legs underneath her.

"Elliot, I don't know what this is, or what it's going to be. And if it's going to be something important, I don't want to ruin it by sleeping with you too soon. That's how I ruin every relationship I ever have, and I don't want to do it with you. You mean too much to me."

"I guess I can understand that. Just one question, though."

"Yeah?" She asked.

"What do you want this to be?"

"I honestly don't know, El. It's just so much to think about at one time. It's scary yet exciting, it feels odd yet comfortable. I just really don't know," she sighed, playing with the sprinkling of hair on his chest, "What about you?" She asked, returning the question.

"I don't really know either. All I know is that you make me happy, and I can't picture my life without you in it. I know it hasn't been that long since Kathy and I separated, and you're probably worried this is some sort of a rebound relationship, Liv, but its not. You know I wouldn't do that to you. I've wanted this for so long, and now we have the opportunity to pursue it, and I think we owe it to ourselves to do so," he said, kissing the top of her head.

"Like I said, I don't want to fuck this up. Can we just take it slow until we know what this is going to be? Because even if we don't work out, I still wouldn't want to lose you as my partner."

"Me neither. But I don't want to take it too slowly. I love you, Liv, and I don't know how—"

"What?" She asked, taken aback by his words and the way they just rolled off of his tongue.

"I said I love you. What? Am I not speaking English tonight? That's about the tenth thing you've asked me to repeat."

"That's because I'm having a hard time believing anything you say."

"Why would you say that?"

"Why would you say you love me?" She countered.

"Because I do. I wouldn't lie to you and I'm way past the age where I need to tell you pretty things to get in your pants."

"No you're not. Never too old for that. I mean you're still alive aren't you?" She ribbed.

He rolled his eyes and took her hand. "Seriously Olivia, I do love you. I think I always have. I've loved you as a best friend and a partner for almost eight years but there was always something a little more there, and the fact that I can act on those feelings now, well, I want to. I want you. I want the chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I've sat by and watched numerous men treat you like shit over the years, and I wanted nothing more than to intervene and show you how its supposed to be, but I couldn't. And now I can. And I will, that is, if you let me."

"This is just all too much in one night, El." Olivia said, leaning down and picking up her shirt, pulling it back over her head.

"I love you. Just tell me that you'll give us a chance. Tell me that you love me too." He said, reaching up and cupping her face in his hand.

"I love you too, El," she sighed, expelling the breath she was holding in for what felt like forever. It had been years since she'd told a man she loved him and even longer since she had meant it and now it was happening, with her partner of all people. She was terrified, "I have for so long, but this is just so…unbelievable. It's making me dizzy."

"God, you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that. I'm not perfect, Liv, but I'm going to try my hardest to make this work and I promise, I will never intentionally hurt you. Ok?" He questioned.

"Yeah, ok." She smiled and lay back down next to him. Her lips met his in the dark, and she knew that from then on, everything was going to be all right.

b 5 years later /b 

"You want another beer, Olivia?" Dave asked her.

"Nah, I think I'm quite drunk enough as it is," she laughed. "But thanks. I'm just going to sit around for a little while and let the buzz wear off before I attempt to drive home."

"You want me to call you a cab?"

"Nah, I'll be fine," she said with a smile.

"If you insist!" He smiled as he walked to the other end of the bar.

She sighed heavily and pulled out a small piece of paper from her coat pocket. She set it on the bar and ran her fingers over it before unfolding it and pulling out her cell phone. Her hands trembled as she opened her phone and began dialing the number in front of her. With each number dialed, she grew more and more nervous. She hung up the phone three times before she finished dialing. She chastised herself for even bringing the number with her, but she had to. She had to see him. No. She needed to see him. She needed him more than anything at that moment, and she wanted him like she'd never wanted anything before in her life. With that, she picked up her phone again, dialed the number, and squirmed anxiously as she waited to hear his voice. By the fourth ring, she decided to give up and just as she was about to close her phone, she heard him.

"Stabler." Came his gruff, tired voice over the line. She felt herself go weak at the sound of his voice, and she knew she had to ask him to come there. She knew she was walking a long path of shards of glass calling him, and she knew she was going to get cut, but she didn't care.

The first cut was always the deepest.


End file.
